B MOVIE REVIEW #1 - Velocipastor

Are you into dinosaurs? How about ninja's? What about hookers and pimps? Well I'll tell you what, this movie has an abundance of all three, and it couldn't be any more entertaining.

Full disclosure, I turned this movie on with the complete expectation that it would be amazing. Having heard about it's ridiculous campy-ness from some close friends, I was extremely excited to sit down and view this flick. It did not disappoint. Velocipastor is chock full of campy horror, intentional and unintentional comedy, a story line ripped straight from the ether, and some terrible acting. It's a B Movie masterpiece that should have netted the director an Oscar for using his micro-budget to the fullest. Bravo Brendan Steere, bravo.

This films starts out almost immediately with the greatest explosion visual effects that any movie goer has ever witnessed. The stunt itself looks like it may have taken a large portion of the budget, and was extremely well done. This explosion had me hooked for the rest of the movie, and really puts this thing over the top. That is not to say that the rest of the effects are bad. 

The dinosaur effects and the shape-shifting effects are amazing as well. Mr. Steere really went all in on his micro budget, making this film as entertaining as it could possibly have been. If you want a taste of this movies brilliance, check out the TRAILER HERE. The dinosaur effects were terrifyingly humorous and really did the movie justice. They kept it fun and interesting with the dinosaur scenes, and really made it seem to trouble the main character.

Now, I do not advocate prostitution in any form. But that being said, if you are going to be a prostitute, you should probably try to hook up with a shape shifting Velocipastor. It really seems like the only way to go. The scenes that were just these two characters are cinematic gold. Oh, and make sure to pay attention during the confession scenes as well, they are plot heavy, and are also amazingly hilarious.

Now to the ninjas. There fighting style is what I would call "accidental drunken monk." Now I cannot either confirm or deny that this was done on purpose, but I woud suspect it has something to do with the talent of actor you get at the tiny budget level this film was made with. But that does not hinder the film. The ninja scenes and all of the fight scenes in general appear to have been well choreographed and actually enhance the this flick immensely. Great job to all involved, given the limitations of what you had to work with.

From a plot and setting standpoint, this movie has it all. Action, Love, Flashbacks, Drama. I mean this thing is a veritable masterpiece. For a B Movie to be this well done, on such a minor budget is astounding. This movie is on Sharknado's level to be honest. I think it will become a cult classic over the next few years.

Overall, I give this film a Solid B. Which, incidentally is the highest grade I give out, because a B movie is always better than an A. This is a must watch. To be honest, I will be disappointed if you don'g immediately go and watch this movie. Don't disappoint Captain Bamba, or you'll walk the plank.

Come back next Wednesday for a review on the 2008 classic Zombie Strippers featuring Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund.

-Captain Bamba, film critic extraordinaire

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Coming Soon!!!!! Velocipastor Movie Review

Good Day ye scurvy-ridden bilge rats,

Captain Bamba here, and I just wanted to drop a quick line!!! Make sure to check us out later this week, as we will be presenting our first B Movie Review!

We will begin our foray into these terrible masterpieces with an in depth look at an instant classic.

Velocipastor. If you haven't seen it yet.... Do yourself the favor of tuning in RIGHT NOW!

Aye Aye mates. Captain Bamba will be back soon with a full report!

Ahoy!!

D&D 5e - Descent into Avernus - Searching the Vanthampur Villa

Ahoy lads and lasses, DESCENT INTO AVERNUS SPOILERS AHEAD! (Don't say I didn't warn you)

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We find our band of intrepid adventurers inside the Vanthampur Villa when we open todays session. The group currently has the aid of Reya Mantlemorn of the Hell Riders. And she can mash! 

(Reya's mini is available at miniaturemarket.com)

We start with Amrick Vanthampur in manacles, and parlaying with the Lady of the House. After minutes of back and forth she attempts to leave the study. As she gets up to go, Cornelius "Corny" Crownbreaker, the groups half-orc barbarian takes a swipe at her with his trusty Greataxe. Before he can land the hot, she vanishes into thin air. Corny and Balin, the Half-Dwarf/Half-Elf Paladin Warlock immediately exit the room in an attempt to find her. 

When the reach the main hallway, they find the rest of their party about to get into a scuffle with 2 large spiders and a raven. Reya, Seighard, and Grimnar each take turns mashing on these creatures. They are dispatched without much of a fight. But something peculiar happens as each of the are brought to death's door. As they die, their form changes from spiders and Ravens to that of small devilish imps. They are the fighting force of Thurstwell Vanthampur, being summons Ed by him maybe? 

After the imps are pulverized, the party heads up the staircase to the second level. As the party gets to the landing at the top of the stairs, they are greeted by 5 separate guards. After the guards futile attempt to turn us around through persuasion/intimidation, the group continued to mash. The guards put up a fight, and were able to drop The Dwarven Paladin below zero. But quick thinking by his brother Balin, and he had hands laid on in no time. Eventually Reya, Seighard, and Corney were able to over take the guards. None survived. 

There were 4 or 5 seperate ro.oms to search on the 2nd level that they could see. They leaned on Amrick to tell them where his brother would be, and where the mother would be. The freshly healed Paladin promptly kicked the door in to Thurstwells room. He rushed in. As he entered the bedroom, he saw the elder Vanthampur brother sitting on the edge of the bed. 

Immediately after entering the room, another raven flew from the flames of the fireplace and dive-bombed right into the paladin. Thurstwell followed up with a fireball directly at him as well. After the attack, Thurstwell hid behind the bed, cowering in the corner. These acts of aggression would not be allowed. Grimnar swung into action, smashing the raven with his Warhammer. Thurstwell took only one hit and was killed by the sword of Reya. She cleaved his arm clean off and he died from the shock. His frail sickly body couldn't take even just one hit.

The team continued there search of the 2nd level. Kicking down each door and dispatching various baddies in each room. Most of which were the low home, low level imps. The last room they entered on the second level was Misses Vanthampur's office. As the band of Brothers entered, a magical suit of plate mail armor animated and attacked. This suit of armor could take a hit. After 2 massive hits from Corny's Greataxe and another sever blow from Grimnar's hammer, the suit finally went down. The suit was pretty messed up. No plate mail for any of our characters yet. :(

Having dispatched everything on the second floor, the team searched all the rooms for evidence. Particularly they were looking for wrongdoing in relation to their direction of the sweet system in Baldur's Gate. The group was able to find several ledgers, along with lots of loot. A few books, coins, jewlery, etc...

The team headed up the last stairwell to the tower. In the tower the encountered 2 5x5 cages. Each holding a human prisoner and a chamber pot. The male prisoner asked for help, saying there were creatures torturing them when no one else was around. After a few cantrips from the team, we determined that the chamber pots we're actually imps. We dispatched of the impa quickly and efficiently. After this we released both the male and female prisoners. Gaining information from them that there is an additional lower level that leads to the sewers below the villa. We gathered up our prisoner Amrick, and one guard we had captured, and headed down through the kitchen, in the direction of the sewers.

On the way, we instructed Reya to stay with the prisoners inside the villa, behind closed doors until we return. We were wary of the 10 or so guards remaining outside the Villa, and did not want to risk all of there lives.

We continued to the kitchen without our prisoners and extra baggage. As we entered the kitchen, we were greeted with a friendly cat like creature. Corny casts Speak with Animals, and has a pleasant conversation with the beast, named slobberchops. They find out from slobberchops that the lady of the house passed through earlier, down to the sewer system. He decided to join the party after Balin fed him some food. The party resolved to refer to him as Chops.

That is where we ended for the day!

I have to day, this was a super fun session. It had a lot of combat, which was a nice change of pace from our roleplay heavy session last time. But it did have some nice roleplay moments. I loved talking to that cat, and I know the boys enjoyed dealing with the guards and the various Vanthampur's. 

Be sure to stay tuned for the next update to this campaign! We will enter the sewers below the Villa next time!

Shiver me timbers ye scalawags!

Captain Bamba

D&D 5e - Descent into Avernus!!!!!!

Greetings and Salutations all of you Nerdy scalawags!

Captain Bamba here and I am ready to give you a taste of what a group of friends and I have been working on for some time.

A few years back a few friends and myself decided to give table top role playing a chance. To be fair, one of us had played for a while (not the Captain, surprisingly). But the rest of us had not dipped our nerdy toes into those waters quite yet.

Those choice friends and myself had such a great time at our first session that we've been hooked ever since. Now, we recently switched over to 5th edition. I must say that it is extremely streamlined in comparison to the rule heavy Pathfinder we were playing before. But I do feel that the mechanics being so easy, allows us to dive further into roleplay, as opposed to roll-play.

Currently, The campaign we are working through is Descent to Avernus. Now my friends and I are about 4 sessions in and have yet to make it into Avernus. We are level three (using milestones rather than XP at this point for leveling). We have a couple veteran players in our group, and a couple of noobs. The DM is a first timer. And I cannot even begin to explain how much fun this campaign has been so far.

Now I do not want to give too many spoilers in this Blog post. But to be sure... There will be many posts detailing our band of merry misfits adventures into the underdark. The group typically gets together on Sunday mornings and occasionally on one evening throughout the week. So look for those posts to go up on Sunday evenings! (beginning on 3/29/30)

Here is a little information on the party to wet your whistle...

The party consists of 5 members
1 Half elf/half dwarf Paladin
1 Dwarf Paladin
1 Gnome Rogue
1 Half Orc Barbarian (Thats me!)
1 Dwarf Cleric

I have to say, that playing a non binary half orc with daddy/mommy issues and a taste for the finer things has been a blast. I think i'm in the camp that likes role-playing more than the dice and the mechanics of it all. I can't wait for tomorrow to see what idiocy we can get ourselves into while inadvertently saving the day!

Come back for more on sunday evening and wel dive into the days escapades!

Be sure to follow Captain Bamba on Instagram and Twitter!
bamba_captain and @bamba_captain

Captain's Blog - Post #1

Ahoy!

I would like to take this time to introduce myself. I am the captain of this ridiculous ship. You may call me Captain Bamba. 

There are many ideas rolling around in this bone bucket I call my skull, and I plan to unleash many of them right here on this platform. Other platforms shall become available in the (very) near future as well. 

The idea behind this blog is to unveil my inner nerd. What are the things I am thinking of speaking about? Well, truly the sky is the limit when it comes to the various topics of Nerd Culture. There are several areas that id quite enjoy, and I am sure there are things I have yet to discover.

Here are a few things I will start with over the coming days and weeks.

Movies, Television, and Music
Video Games
Tabletop Role-playing Games
Board Games
Stupid Jokes

So without any further hoopla, fanfare, or introduction. Welcome inside my head and enjoy...
THE MAD RAMBLINGS OF A SHIPLESS CAPTAIN.

Sincerely Nervous,

Captain Bamba.

PS... Please follow me on

twitter        @bamba_captain 
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5 Must-Watch Nerd Movies!!!

The captain would like for all of his passengers to take the night off (or the next five nights) and watch a movie!

Not just any movie though. Lets count down 10 of the most essential movies for any self proclaimed Nerd! This list could be different for everyone, but Captain Mamba and crew think it is pretty good. When you are done reading (and watching!!!!) Give me your comments and 's in the comments below. 

The list itself is not in any particular order, and does not necessarily reflect the order in which they would be rated by Captain Bamba. In fact, it's not really a top 5 list, but more of a Nerd starter kit!

1. Star Wars: A New Hope (1977)

Okay, Okay, I know that this movie is expected. Hey, we had to get this fandom out of the way early. Some people like to watch the Star Wars movies in chronological order. But I think that you should have to suffer like the rest of us and watch them years apart, out of order, and in various states of viewing tech. Really though, this movie has impacted Nerds around the world immensely and you would be a fool not to start your journey into the depths of dork with this George Lucas masterpiece. 

2.The Birds (1963)

This may not be considered a very nerdy movie to some, but I feel the classics are where it all started. Hitchcock had a cult following long before some others on this list were knee high. The suspense build up in this flick is phenomenal. And hey, it has a young Jessica Tandy (you know, Miss Daisy)

3. Starship Troopers (1997)

To be fair, this is one of Captain Bamba's favorite forays into science fiction. It is  future set masterpiece complete with ridiculous humor, gag violence, and arachnid scum! I have watched this movie a few times in a row on multiple occasions. And hey, Neil Patrick Harris, so yeah. This movie is sort of like a humorous Warhammer 40k come to life. And you will enjoy every minute.

4. Back to the Future (1985)

If you have been under a rock for the last 35 years, you might not have heard of this film. However, if you have been on planet earth like the rest of us, it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to not have sen it. Right? OK, OK, I admit there might be someone who hasn't seen it, but c'mon. Michael J. Fox as Marty McFly, the boy who goes back in time with a bumbling scientist in order to save his family... This movie has it all. Good acting, good soundtrack, action, comedy. It is filled with pop culture references that span across decades. This is a gotta-watch-it type of scenario here. C'Mon McFly!!!!

5. Revenge of the Nerds (1984)

Ok. Admittedly, this movie is probably not as well known or as oft viewed as the others on this list. However it is a goldmine of Nerdy comedy and has a few classic performances in it. It has inspired many other college-type movies and has even been referenced in a few episodes of current popular television shows. If you are in for a laugh and want a cult film to do it too, this is a good place to get you into the Nerd's rule headspace.

There you have it folks. 5 Nerd movies to get started on. You have your order's. Now get to it. We need to see the comments fill up on this one. What are your favorite Nerdy Masterpieces. Be sure to follow Captain Bamba on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram! Thanks for the support you scalawags.